working towards an intellectual understanding of booty chatter.

viernes, mayo 30, 2008

khia: lil wayne remix/cover thing.

dl: KHIA - Lollipop (Lil Wayne sort-of-cover) (YSI)
I was walking around on a very sunny, beautiful day in a mysterious location in the south. I found myself hanging out with Trina again, because we're apparently such good friends now. Or are we? Apparently not, as we get into a pretty violent fight. I punch her in the stomach and say something like "I wish you were pregnant", and then I tell her that I can rap better than her. In an attempt to prove me wrong, she starts reciting verses from one of her new songs. For some reason, I can not rap back.

Flash forward. We are standing on an elevated platform next to a glistening fountain. The air is crisp, like a nice day at the beach. Trina is near tears, explaining to me all the pressure she's under and that it's not her fault that the label released two kind-of-lame songs as singles from Still Da Baddest. She asks to hear some of my new stuff, and I blush while telling her that it isn't really recorded yet. I say to her, "I just haven't been on my writing game to the degree that I was on 'House Party'. I mean, working a 9-5...there isn't much time to focus on silly rap music." She turns her head away sadly in a dramatic effect not too dissimilar to that of a telenovela. I try to explain to her that I'm not judging her for her lifestyle or career choice, but it's just how I feel.

Flash forward again. Trina and I are walking hand-in-hand through a lush field with colorful flowers. I look over to her and smile--"Even though you're a bitch, I still kind of like you." She smiles back and says, "I like you too." Throughout our time together, Trina evolves from a straight-up hoodrat looking chick to a dignified lady with the glow of a Disney princess.

This is the dream I had last night, coincidentally the day after I downloaded Khia 's version of Lil Wayne's "Lollipop". Now I wouldn't call myself religious, but this almost seems as if this dream was an intervention from a higher power that's going to seriously fuck around with the Queen Of The South Chronicles. After hearing this song, her latest single "Be Yo Lady", and her appearance on VH1's Miss Rap Supreme, I am officially revoking Khia's "queen of the south" crown.

Some of you may be wondering why the fuck she had the crown in the first place. You can read about that in my original post about the subject. Now back to talking about "Lollipop".

Reasons why this version is terrible:

  1. Khia's obsession with Lil Wayne is absurd. He obviously does not want her neck or her back, and especially not her crusty-ass pussy or crack. I mean, I don't mind Khia talking about her crusty pussy, but I don't like the mental image of Lil Wayne's mug all UP in her muff. The only thing I want to think about that mouth doing is spitting out great verses (and occasionally terrible verses). The only way he'd ever sleep with Khia is if he was under the influence of more than merely the syrup he's addicted to. I hate myself for saying this, but in the spirit of the recently released Sex And The City movie, I want to tell Khia..."He's just not that into you."
  2. Khia once stated that she came up without the help of men. So now she's trying to capitalize off of the success of a man? Lame, Khia. Lame.
  3. "Lollipop" is already a terrible song.
  4. Despite mostly mediocre verses, Khia's past involved rapping. Recently it just seems like she's become this clownish cartoon version of herself, doing these weird sing-songy vocals. If the sing-songy thing isn't working for Kimberly, it won't work for you, my dear Khia. Perhaps you ought to just take off your big red clown shoes altogether, eh?
Redeeming factors of this song:
  1. I can't help but love that she stole her melody from Shirley Temple's "On The Good Ship Lollipop". I was exposed to this song in my childhood thanks to my late and totally great aunt, and while I can't help but think that she's rolling over in her grave uncomfortably as I write this post...Khia's usage of it is just kind of brilliant.
  2. "Lollipop" is already a terrible song, so Khia really couldn't do much damage here.
Admittedly, Khia's version is growing on me. But that doesn't mean she's getting her crown back. Clearly my dream was a sign that I need to hand it over to Trina.

In my own world, I'd star in a show on VH1 where I'd give female hip-hop and R&B stars career makeovers. It'd be called something like Queer Ears For Da Bad Bitch, featuring Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, anyone who's ever crossed Beyonce's path, and of course Trina. In the first episode, Ms. Katrina Laverne Taylor and I would sit down and map out the details for her follow-up to Still Da Baddest. With our powers combined, we'd create a tracklist that'd be the hip-hop equivalent of The Vagina Monologues. It'd be like the Spice Girls "girl power" thing for a new generation, but we'd call it "pussy power". Women everywhere from Miami to Japan would proudly pump their hands in the air in a V-shape declaring how much they love their va-hey-heys. The album's sales would reach numbers that no one thought were still possible in this day and age. I can dream, right?

Khia wouldn't be invited to be on my show. She's a lost cause at this point.


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