working towards an intellectual understanding of booty chatter.

viernes, marzo 07, 2008

itms playlist: doing the robot (literally).

Robots enjoy a nice cigarette followed by a nap after banging.
"Doing The Robot (Literally)"* is an intensely un-PC title for this post, as any mechanical individual will tell you that "robot" is a disgusting term assigned to them by the humanoid variety. It should be noted that when you don't have the breath to spurt out the syllables of "mechanical individual", it is perfectly acceptable to use the less offensive term "bot". But never say "robot". This can result in a serious backlash from the mechanical community, to the point that even your microwave could turn on you.

Now that I've gotten out of the way, let's move on to the juicy part. This playlist will guide you through the process of making love like a machine with

DANGEROUS MUSE - The Rejection (E-MARCE remix) (YSI): It is important to know that 95% of mechanical individuals get off on being told what to do. The most common method of bedding one is to make it dance by programming the following sequence-- "Arms up. Just dance. Arms out. Just dance." Bots immediately recognize this as a sign of potential mating, and will quickly react to your established dominance. (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT - WIK IT)

THE FIRE AND REASON - NME (Toxic Avenger remix) (YSI):
At this point, your mechanical mate will want to move to the next step, talking. Before you charm the circuits out of the lil devil, you need to tell it to shut the fuck up. Bots will realize your intentions if talking begins too soon, so you must grease up its joints with more dancing. (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT)

BOY CRISIS - Dressed To Digress (remix 3007) (YSI):
Now that you've shown your bot how to get its groove back, you can begin the talking. Warning: When addressing a mechanical individual, it is improper to call it "mechanical individual", "bot", and ESPECIALLY not "robot". The bot must believe that it is "like people". Your best bet lies in pick-up lines such as, "You can do me up like Woodrow Wilson, carry my children, exit the building, let me love you like you're the shit." (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT)

LEIF - Little Bit (Lykke Li cover) (YSI):
Mechanical individuals don't just go home with anyone! They are classy piles of metal. As soon as you've broken the ice, be sure to tell your bot that you're a little bit in love with it. Avoid saying that you are "in love" or "very in love", as a majority of bots are scared of commitment. It also doesn't hurt to tell it that it's pretty. And shiny. (SPACE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT - HYPE IT)

CFCF - How Bizarre (OMC cover) (YSI)**:
Upon hearing your proclamation of (kind of) love, weird feelings will begin to stir within your bot's contraptions. This is both a confusing and exciting moment in the life of a mechanical individual. (SPACE IT - HYPE IT)

DIAGONAL BUILDINGS - Sleep In The Watertower (YSI)***:
This is the sound that mechanical individuals make when they dry hump. You should study it closely, as you do not want to appear alarmed when such noises enter your ears. Bots are easily turned off when they sense your uncertainty. Act natural, and this should not be an issue. (SPACE IT)

JANET JACKSON - Feedback (Milkman remix) (YSI)****:
Begin to stroke your robot slowly, as if you are playing a slow jam on an acoustic guitar. The sensation of your warm hands on the bot's cold body should lead you into the next step. (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT - WIK IT)

MOCHIPET f/ THE HUSTLE HEADS - Get Your Whistle Wet (YSI):
Regardless of the assigned gender of your mechanical individual, it will always have a whistle that appears when it is aroused. Amateur bot lovers disregard this whistle as a tool of lovemaking, but the educated know that it is important to blow into the whistle before getting it on with your bot. This process is known as "getting the whistle wet". (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT)

CSS - Music Is My Hot Hot Sex (The Slips remix) (YSI)*****:
This is the song that you should listen to while sexing your bot, mostly because it has the word "sex" in it. (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT - WIK IT)

SXEZSKOZ - SKELMONSTA (YSI): You should also know that this is the sound that bots make when they achieve their version of an "orgasm". Do not under any circumstances laugh at this sound. It will totally kill the mood. (SITE IT - SPACE IT)

PASSION PIT - Sleepyhead (YSI):
Mechanical individuals will immediately fall asleep after intercourse. It's just how they're wired! (SITE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT)

ROBOTS IN DISGUISE - The Sex Has Made Me Stupid (C_C/K Boy's Blood Mix) (YSI):
The following morning, a mechanical individual will wake with an awful "what have I done?" feeling. It will be accompanied with a feeling as if someone has chipped away pieces of their digi-brain. This is because someone has. And that someone is you. Bot-loving for pure pleasure is a societal taboo, but it is perfectly acceptable for humans to use the relaxed state of a post-coital mechanical individual as an opportunity to steal important data. Make sure you share this data with anyone who may have witnessed your courtship with the bot, but don't tell them how much you enjoyed the process. They will think you're a total perv. Because you are. (BUY IT - SITE IT - SPACE IT - HYPE IT - WIK IT)

* This is my first themed playlist in a long time, and I apologize that it's so damn weird. It includes a few songs that have been posted here in the past, a few newbies, and a few found on other blogs.

** Courtesy of BIGSTEREO

*** Diagonal Buildings will be playing a show in Brooklyn on March 16 & 18. Check the deets and download New Millenium for free on their space!

**** Courtesy of Palms Out Sounds Remix Sunday

***** In celebration of the CSS domination on the Youtube charts, even if they didn't make the video and the person who did cheated. (see Idolator)

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Anonymous josh said...

haha fucking awesome

3/10/2008 7:50 a. m.  
Blogger Eric said...

That Mochipet track is so delightfully trashy. I've been addicted to it for a couple weeks now.

I'm also somewhat embarrassed to be nerdy enough to remember and recognize SXEZSKOZ as the skywalker Game Genie code to Super Mario 3. Wouldn't have thought to name a musical project after that, but makes perfect sense when I listen to it, y'know.

3/18/2008 2:31 a. m.  

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